Unwieldy Vicissitudes

would you have a drink with you?

2010-12-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

have you guys seen the stoli vodka commercials? probably not. but they pose the question 'would you have a drink with you?' of course i would. we would tag team people-watch. we wouldnt miss anyone passing by. we (me and the other me) would understand each other and our humor. we wouldnt want to go mingle or meet new people. we would be content talking about simple things like embarassing moments in our lives and lives of others that we know. or tv shows. movies. and their memorable quotes. poking fun at others. so my answer would be a definite yes. would you have a drink with you?

here is the julia stiles commercial for stoli

2010-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago i was able to go back home. it was a good weekend to lounge around and pretty much do nothing. i attended a funeral and was able to see many people from high school. some friends. some not. it was awesome to see how much people had changed. for the most part they grew horizontally and had facial hair. yeah keep growing the beard out. ps it doesnt make your neck look thinner. i can still count your chins. the most rewarding part of seeing people from high school was this one guy who was a dbag to me freshman year and how he had changed. he had a gut and was wearing super nerdy glasses. but the best part was that he was bald at 25ish. that put a huge smile on my face. karma chuntis.

being colorblind

2010-10-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

it has taken me awhile for me to figure out that i am colorblind. okay maybe i have known for years but didnt want to accept it. i knew it ran in the family on my moms side but i still didnt think i was colorblind. as it happens i am. sometimes when i buy clothes i think they are one color but come to find out that in fact they are a completely different color. so naturally my whole color scheme for my outfit is ruined. i was recently with my roommate and i noticed we were wearing similar clothes. we both had dark denim jeans on, we both had dark brown shirts on, and i think we both were wearing sperrys. i mentioned this to him, and he looks at me with a confused look. he says that we didnt have the same color shirt. his was dark brown and mine was black. turns out he was right. i bought that shirt thinking it was dark brown! i wanted a dark brown shirt. this has happened countless times to me.

take for instance i was in microbiology lab looking at bacteria under a microscope. we were supposed to draw the bacteria and color them accordingly. it was harder than it sounds because all of my lab partners were color blind. the blind leading the blind. so we would draw the bacteria and would have to ask another group to tell us what color we should use. on the first two labs we missed points because we used the wrong color on the majority of the bacteria. wow. i think i can argue that its my disability/disease that caused me to miss those points. so now we have to collaborate with another group and have them choose a colored pencil for us. how embarrassing.

one more experience that happened in august. i got into frisbee golfing over the summer. and i had just bought a new red frisbee. so i go to the el dorado course. this red frisbee was a little bit harder to locate in the green grass. i continue to play. i throw the red frisbee towards the hole. i walk over to find it. and it is nowhere to be found. i spent at least 45 minutes looking for this frisbee. i even asked other people to keep an eye out. nothing. who loses a red frisbee in green grass? im an idiot for not taking my colorblindness into account when purchasing a red frisbee.

these were just the most recent occurrences.

what i love is when people find out that i am colorblind they immediately try and test me. maybe to try and fool me because they dont believe me?

what color is my shirt? black. no its navy.
what color is my hair? brown. wow that one is always easy.
what color is my carpet? puke-green. its always close to this color.
what color are my jeans? denim colored. cake.

so if you dont know if you are colorblind yet here are some links for some color blind tests:

colorblind test 1

i only got the first one right on this one.

colorblind test 2

i got two right on this one.

2010-08-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

have you ever had a song stuck in your head and it stayed in there the entire day? well ive been having that problem. but at church. i usually turn off my radio while i drive to and from church but this particular sunday i got in my car and turned the key and before i could turn the radio off i hear the lyrics "girl, i wanna sex you up!" blasting from my speakers. for the entire three hour block i had that stuck in my head i even had to stop myself from humming it while sitting in sunday school. the music that pops into my head during church has been music with a good beat but not so good lyrics. i guess ill have to dust off my old nsync cds and listen to those to and from church. nsync is sabbath appropriate right?

the coolest youll look pooping your pants

2010-07-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

i love this ad. good job huggies. i wish i had these when i was in diapers. i just hope when i get older and incontinent i can count on huggies to make these fashionable diapers.

unnecessary

2010-06-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

after a hard morning of working down in san diego im driving down washington to find a place to eat. i spot a jack in the box on my left. i was thinking i could find somewhere else to eat until i saw that this jack in the box had a freaking fireplace in it. i had to get a better look. the fireplace was double sided so people on the inside and outside could enjoy it equally. the food was alright but now i can say i ate at a jack in the box that had a fireplace. maybe its the only one in the world. california has the nicest weather year round why would they need it?

you can even see jack's silhouette

im tired of being tired

2010-02-26T15:26:00.000-08:00

it probably started in high school when i realized no matter how many hours of sleep i got i was always sleepy during the day. it seemed like i never completely woke up. this continued on my ecclesiastical sabbatical to ecuador. even getting 8 full hours of sleep a night, (as required by the white bible), it still left me yawning the entire day. i grew accustomed to the tiredness and thought it was normal for me.
i was informed by a good friend, who shall not be named, about hypothyroidism. he told me that the main symptoms of it were: 1. excessive tiredness 2. hair loss 3. unexplained weight gain 4. always being cold 5. and in some cases lactation.
i wont go into which ones i have. but you can ask me in private. i then found out that hypothyroidism runs in the family. it seemed like i had it for sure. so i scheduled an appointment at the uvu health clinic and they drew blood and tested it. they said it would take a few days for the results to come in. i wasnt really nervous about the test reults because i was sure i was hypothyroidic. i just got a call from the clinic and they informed me i was not hypothyroidic. i was disappointed at the results. i now have to come to the realization that the rest of my life i will be constantly tired and possibly lactating.

fair weather smoker

2009-12-14T22:07:00.001-08:00

the other day i was walking outside to my next class and it was freezing outside. it was about 8 degrees. i only had a small sweater on and it felt like the cold wind was going right through it. it was hard to handle the 3 or 4 minute walk from one building to the next. then i saw a few smokers just standing there with their vice in hand withstanding the cold. i thought to myself if i was ever a smoker i would only smoke outside when it was warm. as soon as i could see my breath outside i would put away my pack of cigs and my lighter away for a few months. i guess i would be a fair-weather smoker.

king of chlamydia

2009-11-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

i was sitting in my biology class this week and my professor put up a picture of this little guy. i noticed the little italicized letters underneath the picture. the frilled-necked lizard (aka frilled lizard or frilled dragon) has one of the most embarrassing latin classification names out there. Chlamydosaurus kingii. now tell me you dont think of a sexual transmitted disease when you see that. and im not sure what the real translation is but until i find out it will be king of chlamydia.

you make me sick

2009-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

i get the urge to throw up every time i see this commercial. it doesnt make me want to use their product at all. if anything it makes me want to stay away from it.

midnight showings

2009-07-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

i attended the midnight showing of harry potter and the half-blood prince and i was surprised at how many people dressed up. i was more surprised at how people act at midnight showings. people yelling stupid comments. others throwing things. and just being loud and obnoxious. i know you are excited to be there and to watch the movie first but please control yourselves from being idiots. we all came to watch and enjoy the new movie so contain yourselves.

chicken and beer

2009-06-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

me and my friend jeff were at macys and thought it would be fun to make chicken in a beery broth cooked in a crock pot. we picked the best day of the week: sunday. we bought all the ingredients saturday night and we were, needless to say, stoked to use a recipe from recipezaar.com. all the reviews were good and a lot of people recommended it. i think the hardest decision was finding the right beer.

this was the selection. we stood there just staring at the colorful cans of beer for a few minutes. i finally decided to go with a 24 oz of miller genuine draft. i still stand behind my decision.

browning the chicken before the crock pot

jeff chopping some potatoes and carrots

pouring in some more miller

it was fun making it, but i wouldnt recommend it. the chicken was super dry and didnt taste normal, but the vegetables were spectacular.

futbol folly

2009-06-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

so ive been noticing lately in this great town that there are tons of people wearing soccer jerseys. at the gym. at school. shopping at the mall. etc. most of these are ex-missionaries that served in foreign countries. if youre trying to stand out: mission accomplished. it just makes it easier for me to spot you in a crowd and even easier to make fun of you. i thank you. ive come up with a few exceptions when you can sport a soccer jersey:

1 cheering for your favorite soccer team during world cup

2 if youre going to a watch a game

3 or youre a retard

crop dusting

2009-05-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

i was working on my fitness at the local 24 here in provo the other day. i was on one of the many stairclimbers and caught a "wiff" of something malodorous. i knew it wasnt me so i looked around for a guilty looking person working out near me. no one looked guilty. this stench lingered for at least a minute. it was brutal. i have a hard enough time with the altitude. and now i have to deal with someone else's disgusting habit of crop dusting in public. please consider others that are near you when you are flirting with the idea of breaking wind.

2009-05-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

customer satisfaction

2009-05-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

as i have stated in the previous blog i work at sears. on the bottom of every receipt there are instructions to take a survey online. its a small survey to rate how the associates did with their customers. if they were clean looking. if the department was neat. or messy. if the associate was helpful and knew his stuff. quality of products. and so on. after rating me in these several categories there is a place where one can write what they want. some unknown customer wrote something about me. they said i was like a robot and that i didnt smile enough for them. getting 6 bucks an hour. getting yelled at throughout the day by disgruntled customers. and on special days by my managers. and my personal favorite having people not show respect because i work at sears. yep all these things make me happy. and whats wrong with being a robot? sometimes i dont feel like smiling and other times i enjoy acting like a robot.

put the money in my hand

2009-05-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

so i work at sears and have worked there for far too long. retail sucks the life out of anyone that works in it. i am no exception. some people have no respect for those that work in the retail industry. i ring people up for their purchases and most people pay with a credit card, sign, and i hand them the receipt and that's it. i probably wont remember their faces when they come back into sears. but on occasion some pay with cash which is fine, but some people throw their money on the counter as if im not right in front of them with my hand ready to take their money. really? whats the deal? are you just too lazy to raise and extend your arm to drop your money into my hand a few extra inches? come on. show some respect. or ill spit on your change before i give it back to you. its your choice.

stupid humans

2009-04-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

so in my bio 1610 class we are learning about the environment. global warning. recycling. conserving the ecosystem. and what we can do to stop destroying our planet. blah blah blah. my professor said something interesting tonight. she was telling us that we shouldnt build houses and live where animals live. hello? animals live everywhere. in the forests, deserts, plains, tundras, etc. i say survival of the fittest. if the animals can outwit us, more power to them.

spring is here

2009-04-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

so now that its finally getting warmer here, there has been a drastic change in fashion. ive heard of provo fashion and even seen pictures, but never thought it was this bad. i am experiencing it firsthand. you know when spring has arrived in provo when you see thousands and thousands of polo shirts. i didnt know so many colors existed. most of the polos have the insignia from american eagle, hollister, or abercrombie. and keep telling yourself popping your collar looks really good on you. i love sitting and making fun of people like you. choker necklaces bloom back in style as do white sandals. ive also noticed that more and more people are wearing sunglasses inside. are you serious? you might as well get transition lenses. you look ridiculous. and dont even put them on your head. please leave them in your car.

i was looking for pictures online to portray the provo style. this was the one that shows it the best.

enough already

2009-03-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

recently i have been getting bombarded with an insane amount of invites to applications that dont suit me. ive had enough. getting multiple invites to add applications on facebook from the same person is driving me nuts. i know i used to invite others to groups, but i think i am justified because they were funny and im sure they made you laugh. some of the applications are: Which sexy lady are you?, Dr. Phil's personality test, and what's your name meaning? i dont get it. please stop before you are deleted. i apologize for being rude, but it really needs to stop. you know who you are.

lord voldemort vs. darth vader

2009-03-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

i was at school walking to the library and i see the picture of lord voldemort and darth vader. with this there was a question "who would win in a battle between lord voldemort and darth vader?" i immediately thought harry potter's nemesis would destroy darth vader. i have seen all of the star wars movies (never read any of the spin off books), but i do not consider myself a fan. on the other hand, i have read all the harry potter books and have seen the movies. i am biased towards lord voldemort. he is simply more evil than vader. lord voldemort never eases up on harry potter. never. he is constantly trying to kill potter. you-know-who will not allow any one of his followers to kill him, even though there has been plenty of opportune times when potter's death was imminent. voldemort wanted to kill harry potter himself. darth vader, on the other side of the spectrum, has a heart with feelings. he disobeyed emperor palpatine and threw him down into the reactor core. (i sound like a nerd. i swear im not. i wikipedia'd this stuff on darth vader.) he turned soft. he-who-must-not-be-named would never turn soft. i am sticking with my first thoughts: voldemort would annihilate darth vader.

facebook chat etiquette

2009-02-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

it seems like everybody and their moms has facebook now. and that there are more older people than the demographic facebook intended to reach out to. ( but whatever that's another blog for some other time). i remember chatting with friends on AIM. it brings back good memories. AIM chatting and facebook chatting are just like talking on the phone: you greet the other person, talk about whatever comes up, share stories about the day, blah blah blah and so forth, and then you finally say goodbyes. and with facebook chat you dont even have to type a word. you can type some abbreviated mess of letters that means something to the other person such as gtg, gnite, ttyl, cyal8r, and whatever else. it is not that difficult people. unless all of my friends with whom i facebook chat are a bunch of damn derelicts. i have found myself in deep conversation with friends on facebook chat and without warning they sign off. its as if im not important enough to get a "ttyl" or a "gtg." it really grinds my gears when this happens. honestly im threatened to end our relationship on facebook. next time you do this, you will be deleted.

regret

2009-02-05T19:21:00.000-08:00

it has been a little over a month since i chopped off my hair. i went home for christmas break and it turned out that my family disliked my long hair. they persisted that i cut it. i held strong through the holiday break. there were so many advantages to having long hair. my hair kept my head warm. with long hair i become invisible (because people that got to know me when i had short hair dont know what i look like now). let me explain- now there are no weird salutations in the hallways of school or church or even at the gym. and with my longer hair some people that i wouldnt consider good friends couldnt recognize=invisibility. and i became knowledgeable on different types of hair products (gels, hairsprays, shampoos, conditioners, and i even broke down and bought a blowdryer). anyways it was the last day of my california vacation and i cut my hair. i regret it to this day. but there was just so much peer pressure. i had to do it. afterwards i felt naked. you know that aura of lightness when you get when you walk around naked? maybe not. but for those that have, you know exactly what im talking about. and i was feeling the same way. it took me two weeks to grow accustomed to my new look. i refused to put gel in it or even style it. i wore a hat for the first few days. furious at myself for doing what i did, i came to face reality: Life with short hair, again.

p.s. i love you

2008-12-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

this experience happened awhile back. so dont draw conclusions from this story with any girl that ive taken out recently, been seen hanging out with, or even walked with. because chances are you dont know who it is. so i was casual going out with this one girl and she invited me to go to a movie with her friends via text message. this is how the text message conversation went:

her: hey my friends and i are going
to see a movie tonight and i wanted
to invite you. wanna come?

-----------------------------------

me: what time is the movie?
(i didnt say yes or no. i wasnt in the mood for a chick flick)

-----------------------------------

her: we're thinking about going at 8.

-----------------------------------

me: okay that sounds good. what
movie are you planning on seeing?

-----------------------------------

(15 minutes later came her answer)

her: p.s. i love you.

and by that time i had forgotten about the question i had previously asked before - [what movie are you planning on seeing?] - so i got this text message "p.s. i love you." i didnt know what to do. we didnt even have the utah term "DTR talk" yet. 4-5 minutes must have passed before i realized that that was the title of the movie. i felt like an idiot.

joyful contingency

2008-12-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

i currently have the calling of gospel doctrine teacher (for the laymen: sunday school teacher). im enjoying it so far and most of the discussions that erupt. we were talking about mormon chapter 5 or so and i posed a question and a young lady from the congregation raised her hand and started sharing deep spiritual moments from her life. i was listening intently (okay i probably wasnt, i was probably worrying about what i was going to say next or what question i was going to ask). but i really tried to keep eye contact with her and nod every so often to let her know i was listening. something caught my eye as she kept explicating her spiritual experience. i looked one row in front of the young lady and there was my roommate winking at me. i didnt crack a smile. then he proceeded to blow me a kiss. that crossed the line. i could not help myself from smiling and giving out a laugh that i honestly thought was going to be inaudible, but no. im sure the girl talking thought i was laughing at her. she ended shortly after the laugh and i moved on with the lesson. so if you are reading this blog, im sorry for laughing during your participation, but know it wasnt you or your story that made me laugh, it was my foolhardy roommate.

anatomical snuffbox

2008-10-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

im taking human anatomy at uvsc and along with it a lab class. when we go to palpate human cadavers we are required to wear gloves and special goggles. because you dont ever want to get cadaver juice in your eyes. the whole class was back in the lab and divided up into four groups with four cadavers. we had been back there for 15 minutes when the lab instructor comes to our group and expounds on the muscles of the antebrachium. right about this time my goggles were getting foggy because it was quite warm in the room. so i pull my goggles away from my face with the top side of my wrists (due to the cadaver juice on my gloves). i move back from my group and as i do this the instructor, Brent everrett looks back at me and hesitantly says:

"Are you okay? Are you going to pass out?" after asking these questions everyone in my group looks at me waiting for me to answer or to pass out.

i answer back, "no. im fine. my goggles are just a little foggy."

i move back a little more away from the group and brent looks back at me again and asks me "do you need to sit down? or do you need to get some air?"

"no im fine, just dont smell your lab gloves after you touch a cadaver. you might feel a little woozy" i kind of laugh jokingly.

brent replies "i just assumed other people would know not to do that"

"yeah you need to have a disclaimer before labs to remind people about not doing that"

it was one of the greatest awkwardest moments of my life. and im sure half of my class thought i was going to pass out because 5 minutes after this happened i left the lab and just studied on the models in the classroom.

Bob Barker Maze

2008-10-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

i was at the park with my little sister tristen. just having a normal day. we were walking around and decided to start heading for the woods nearby. it took us a little while to get there but as we keep walking deeper and deeper into the woods we saw a maze in a meadow and it extended to the end of our sights. we entered the maze and i was half expecting something or someone to jump out and scare the bejeshis out of me. it didnt happen. instead we ran into bob barker. he seemed a little out of character but what do i know? ive never met him and only seen him on The Price is Right. one odd thing i noticed about him was that he had a machete in his right hand. i simply thought he was the maintenance guy for this maze we were in. i thought nothing more. we talked for thirty minutes. i then excused my sister and i so we could find a way out of here. he watched us until we turned a corner. as i turned the corner i looked back at him and he had a strange smirk on his face. again i thought nothing of it. it seemed like we had been in this freaking maze for hours. we had no idea where we were and if we were ever going to get out. finally we saw a small opening in the green wall of the maze. we stood in the small archway and for some reason i looked back towards where we had came from and i saw bob running towards us and yelling obscenities at us. he still had the machete in his right hand and it looked like it was drenched with blood. from the archway we only had two options: one, hike up the side of the mountain that was flooded with sunlight, or two, trek downstream in the river where there was hardly any light thanks to the impenetrable foliage of the trees that lined the river. we didnt have a lot of time so we jumped into the river and ran as fast as we could in the cold water. as we ran into the darkness i looked back over my shoulder to get a glimpse of bob chasing after us, but to no avail he wasnt anywhere to be seen. we ran for twenty to thirty minutes and finally got out of the river where the trees stopped lining the river. we got back to the park and grabbed someone to help us. but when we told our story to them they started laughing about the maze and bob barker chasing us. they just walked away out of breath from laughing. we called the police and they didnt believe us. they knew nothing about a maze in the woods, but the lieutenant informed us that bob barker had a huge house just five miles north of the park where we had been. can you believe that nobody believed us. i will never forget that smirk bob barker had on his face in the maze.